Donkey Cullen
by The Magic Pickle Fairy
Summary: A snarky parody on the mannerism of the Twilight books. After a long weekend of hunting, Edward and Emmett find a donkey in the forest and take her home. Alice warns Edward of the great danger that would follow such an action, but what does she know? Not like she can tell the future or anything.


A/N: So kind of a silly parody of Twilight. I don't mean to offend, I mean to make bother people who like and hate Twilight laugh. I've read the books a long time ago, and wanted to poke fun at the books for a long time. Now is my chance.

Donkey Cullen

The Magic Pickle Fairy

Edward and Emmett never partaken in humans. As a species that often ate humans, that was unusual. Instead, they put the blood of forest animals in their mouths. That's better, right? That's what Carlisle says at least, and Carlisle is always right. If Carlisle told Edward to jump, he would ask "how high?" This vampire pack is full of perfections and very healthy.

One day, Edward and his "brother" Emmett were hunting. It was a day to wear sweaters here in Forks Washington. Edward was wearing a fabulous red and yellow sweater to match the leaves. It also matched the blood of the animals that they killed.

Edward and Emmett found their way to their fancy car that went hundreds of miles per hour, since Edward somehow never crashes. His girlfriend thinks he will someday, but nah. But then they saw an animal that made both of their jaws drop.

It had large teeth, long ears, dark eyes and fur that matched the color of the Washington sky at...Twilight. It "he hawed," towards the two vampires.

Edward's eyes went straight to the animal and stayed there for a few seconds, then he asked "what the fuck is a donkey doing at the middle of the forest?"

Emmett's eyes were still fixated on the donkey when Edward had asked that question, but he answered, "I don't know, weird stuff happens in these kinds of places, ever read one of those young adult novels where the young girl moves to a small town and strange stuff happens?"

Edward's pupils made a lap around his eyelids, "well, this is a domestic animal, we can't just leave him there."

"But we can't put him in our car, Carlisle would kill us," then Emmett bit his lip, "or ask the tribe nearby to do it for him."

Edward tapped his head; he had to know someone with a crappy car so he can get the Donkey somewhere safe. Edward had many friends. Like Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Esme... oh wait... they're all part of the family and they all have nice cars. How about that girl that really likes him? Is that a girlfriend or something? The one who owns that red pickup truck has rust all over it and has its mirrors breaking off once in a while? Oh, right, Bella. Edward took out his cell phone and called that girl that he touches and stalks sometimes, but apparently doesn't kiss or fuck.

***

Bella was taking her weekend to really treat Charlie. Not like she wants to make her father happy, since she snarled in his presence, but she wanted to do something fancy. That day she made a chicken pot pie. She did the cream base herself, got some fresh peas and carrots from the farmer's market and she cooked the chicken the previous night. The oven made its sound and Bella had her oven mitts ready until the phone rang. Bella rushed her body to get the pie out of the oven and onto the stove. She picked up the phone. She sure hoped it was her vampire boyfriend who watches her at night.

"Hello," she gleefuly asked.

"Hi, Bella? This is Edward," the voiced sounded like angels if they were in the skins of a killer, "We found a donkey in the forest during our hunt and we were wondering if you can get your rickety old truck to transport him to my house?"

Bella didn't speak right away. What? How? Who? Forks is a weird town. "Um, sure?"

"Okay, great!" There was a sound disturbing the conversation, "oh, Alice is calling, I'm at the entrance of my usual hunting spot, we'll be waiting."

***

Edward took the call, Alice's voice sounded like beavers in a hurricane, "Do not bring that donkey home, I repeat, do not bring that donkey home. It will bring you in great danger."

Of course, Alice would know. She knows the future, past and present. She knows what happens in alternate universes as well. Kind of the perk of being that kind of vampire. But sometimes Alice would mess with Edward, like that time when Alice says that werewolves were coming and if Edward didn't give Alice a silver necklace toward them off, they will kill the entire family. Of course the werewolves never attacked, and Alice only worn that necklace during proms. Edward red Alice's mind on that trick.

This must have been one of those pranks, "Oh what's the harm of having a donkey for a short amount of time?"

"But Edward…"

Edward at hung up the phone and Bella had arrived. She had that usual crappy car that she always drove. It had the bed that she never used. Perfect for donkey transport.

Emmett used his super vampire strength to lift the donkey onto the bed of Bella's truck.

Bella's eyes looked around to the donkey, then Edward, then Emmett, then Edward again because he's so hot in that glimmer of the sun. The eyes just went back to the donkey for a longer while, "You want me to take him to your home?"

"Where else?" Edward asked.

A huge huff of air came out of Bella's mouth, "Didn't Alice call you about this being trouble or something?"

Edward just let out a chuckle from his chest, "of course not, why would she predict donkeys?"

Bella looked at Edward again, but because of his beauty, but with despair, "because a donkey actually appeared?"

"Phooey," Emmett sat on the edge of the truck bed with the donkey, "You can't believe everything Alice says; her predictions aren't perfect."

"What?" Bella squint her eyes, "does Edward ever misread a thought someone has?"

Edward looked down, he knew that he had to, "of course, I once read that Mike had a crush on you, but he never did anything to make the moves on you. It was a complete misreading."

"But Mike does have a crush on me," Bella implied, "he always talks to me with intent to—

Edward patted Bella on tush, "come on Bella; let's get driving."

It did cross Bella's mind that this was probably an inappropriate gesture but Edward was too pretty and prefect to do any wrong. Bella got into her truck and put her seat belt on. Emmett and Edward did the same for their car and gave each other's thumbs up. They both started their trip to the Cullen household.

When the group drove to the driveway Alice was standing right there with a gleam in her eyes. "You brought her, didn't you?"

Edward got out of the car and pointed to the truck driving up to the driveway with the donkey in it, "Yeah, Bella is coming right up."

"No, asshole, the donkey," Alice's eyes daggered towards Bella who was just getting out of the truck, "and don't think you're getting off easy. You're just as much as part of it as Edward."

"What do you mean?" Bella asked, "I asked if you said anything about the donkey, and Edward told me you didn't."

"You were being gullible, that's what I mean," Alice crossed her arms.

"Geeze, I wonder what gender the donkey is," Emmett was just placing the donkey onto the ground. He was just about the check the crotch regions.

That was when Alice announced, "It's a female donkey."

"How do you know?" Emmett asked.

"Because I sensed that you looked at the donkey's crotch and you announce, 'she's a girl.'" The thing about Alice's predictions is that they may not happen depending on the changes of paths. Alice was a bitch and changed a path deliberately. Thanks goodness Alice wasn't in Doctor Who.

The donkey walked over to the garden and ate Esme's flowers. She found them absolutely delicious and the greatest things she has ever eaten. Granted, the oats her owners gave her were good as well. Not as good as these flowers.

"Wow, Donkey really likes those flowers," Edward chuckled, "better than the oats her owners gave her."

"So, you are reading the donkey's mind, but not mine?" Alice just made a 180 toward the front door to the house, "good luck with what's the come."

Bella bit her lip as she often did, "I made dinner for Charlie, call me if you need anything else." She opened the door to her truck.

"Okay Bella," Edward smiled sexily, "but I don't think there's any issue. We'll find the donkey's owner."

The chicken pot pie was creamy, fresh, flakey, every flavor that anyone could ask for in a meat pie. Charlie chugged down his beer to make this dinner perfect, "you're better than your mother."

Bella glance at Charlie blankly, "Thanks."

Suddenly, the phone rang. Charlie stood up to answer the phone in the kitchen, "Hello?"

"So we need some more help," Edward began to speak, "the donkey rolled all over Esme's garden, not even sure how we're going to explain that to her. So we put the donkey into our bathtub to clean her off and she fell asleep—

"Um, you know that's illegal in Washington State Law," Charlie's face went downwards. Edward's voice sounded like a demon disgusted as an angel. He never thought it was smart to not stop Bella from dating him, but he didn't want to be called a communist by his daughter. You know, since teenagers love calling their parents communists.

A jumble of words sounded from the phone, "Oh, Charlie, you sound a lot like Bella. You know? What is this about keeping donkey's illegal?"

"It is under Washington State law that it is illegal for a donkey to fall asleep in a bathtub. Stay where you are and make no attempts to run. Forks Police will arrest you." Probably getting Edward a criminal record is the best way for Bella to stop dating Edward.

Bella stood up, "Wait what? What kind of stupid law is that?"

"I've studied law, not as stupid as you think, aren't I?" Charlie gave Bella a wink, "can you wash the dishes this time?"

"Dad, no, Edward didn't mean to!" This was probably what Edward failed to realize when Alice warned him. Edward needs to read people's mind more often. Or not be so damn stupid.

"I think the intent was clear, he was trying the clean the donkey. Now, stay here or you're grounded."

Bella pouted. Damn, foiled again by threats of being grounded.

Edward looked especially appeasing in his suit and tie. Too bad he's in court for a law he broke. Bella just glared at her father until the session started.

The judge slammed her gavel onto the booth, "order, order in the court." She actually looked young, and probably a person to do away with stupid laws. This might go well for Edward.

"Do you have an opening statement?" The judged asked Edward.

Edward stood up. "Yes, I may say that I didn't even know about this law. I was only intended cleanliness for that poor donkey." Edward was now wishing Carlisle gave him a lawyer, but no, this was punishment for the donkey ruining Esme's garden. "Maybe we should stop worrying about the law and more about this donkey's home."

"And the defendant?"

Charlie stood up, "This law about having a donkey fall asleep in a bathtub might be old, but it's the law. This man should be put in prison for life for such a crime."

"You make a good argument Officer Swan," the judge smiled.

"Well, any good argument for a pretty lady like yourself," Charlie smiled back.

This isn't going to go well.

There were many people questioned such as Bella, Alice and Emmett. Edward even brought the donkey in and read her mind. No one believed him of course and the jury thought he was crazy. Speaking of the jury…

"We find that until the law is no longer a law, Mr. Edward Cullen is found guilty and should be put into life in prison."

Okay, that can't be that long. Wait, Edward is a vampire and vampires are immortal. A lifetime for a vampire is forever. The Volturi is going to kill him when the humans find out that he never dies or grow older, literally. "Um, can we lower the amount to 100 years in prison?"

The jury laughed, "how about no?"

"Okay, 200 years in prison," Edward made his argument.

"You think you're going to live forever, aren't you?" The judge winced, "gosh, you teenagers."

Suddenly, the doors opened and a tall, slim, pale man with auburn eyes stepped into the door. He wore a plaid shirt and a tie, "I may have some input as a laywer?"

"Sure," said the judge, "what do you have?"

"Well, this is a law that was first invoked when a donkey fell through a second story floor in the bathtub and onto the mayor of Seattle," the man explained, "now, was this bathtub in the second floor?"

Edward shook his head, "So, we couldn't get the donkey up the step. We had to use the first floor bathroom. It's ashamed, because that bathtub doesn't have any jets."

Everyone was thinking that Edward was a rich bastard, but the man continued, "So no one was harmed through this experience. This first account of when this law was there in the first place was so no one will be squashed by a donkey again. This was not the case."

"Okay," the judge said, "I hereby accuse Edward as not guilty."

The man took out a rope and wrapped it around the donkey, "its okay Delilah girl, you'll be with your mommy and daddy."

"Wait, are you the owner?" Edward asked the man.

"Yep, the name is Danny Pecan." Then he explained "I am of your ilk, although I travel with my wife with Delilah here. My abilities make me super good at arguing. A little library research doesn't hurt either. I graduated law school in 1954 and passed the bar right away. My wife and I find cases with fellow vampires and try to soften the blow of the laws they break. I had to help you not get convicted since you helped my little Delilah."

"You know, there's a term for people like you," Bella explained, "Deus Ex Machina."

Danny laughed really loudly, "Guess I am a god placed on a high wire in an ancient Greek play." He gave Edward a business card, "if you ever need me, call me. I usually stay in the west coast." Danny led Delilah out of the courtroom.

Charlie stopped setting up a date with the judge and was about to walk out of the courtroom himself but he pointed to Edward, "next time, young sir."

Edward gave Charlie a salute, "don't worry; I'll marry your daughter when she's young."

Charlie scrunched up his face and walked out of the courtroom.

"You know, Charlie drove me here…" Bella looked at Edward, "maybe you can drive me home?"

Edward looked up and sighed, "I guess. I just hope this won't happen again."

"Just trust the minds you read," Bella wrapped her arm around Edward's arm.

Edward laughed, "I guess I do."

The two left the courthouse and into Edward's car. This was a crazy adventure and hopefully nothing like attempted suicide, drastic breakups or werewolf love triangles will happen yet to come.


End file.
